I'm a stay at home mom. Yup, a gen-u-ine homemaker. I bake, clean, mix drinks and I even do it in a handmade apron, on occasion. You don't see many women opting to ignore years (and years and fucking years) of schooling and general social pressure to keep up to a certain material standard much these days. And I think that it's a personal decision - what works for me definitely wouldn't work for some terrific moms that I know. Most days, I'm pretty good with the choice that we made to get to the point where I am. But I'll tell you the one really big thing bothers me about this situation...
The women.
Frankly, I suck at being a girl. I have no idea how to navigate the intricacies of female social networks, and the concept of bonding over backstabbing is totally foreign to me. Subsuming your true nature just to fit in...I can't do it. Growing up, I always hung out with guys. I was the guy with boobs and long hair. I simply understand and appreciate the male code of behaviour better than the female one. And the thing is...the only people that I seem to come into contact with in the stay-at-home parent world are women.
Last year was Mr. Munchkin's first year in school and I tried something new. I dressed in Mom jeans, bought a pair of big bugeye sunglasses and generally acted like a 9th grader feeling out the situation and trying on new personalities every week. I hated every minute of it. It felt like I was living in someone else's life, and wearing their clothes to boot. But the good news is that as of late, I've grown bolder.
I realise that I've got a fairly outsized personality. (Translates to: I'm loud and usually obnoxious in public.) Not to mention that I am awful with names and faces. Lots of people will be turned off by that, and I'm good with that. I've grown used to being socially straightened over the years. Moving around every few years will do that to you. But what I can't stand is a group of women whispering and pointedly staring at me (without ever having spoken to me) based on what I'm wearing. Look, I can't help that I'm the only ethnic person within a 5 km radius. (Seriously, there are days that I feel like high fiving any other person with a dark skin colour...just because they happen to walk past me on the sidewalk. It's lonely out here in the land of the pasty white.) But I don't think that it's my race that bothers them, as much as it is the fact that I am just not even trying to fit in anymore.
For example, today - my hair was done up in two little buns and I had on my white fleece motorcycle jacket. I realise that this "look" is young and that I am not the svelte nymph that I once was. But really? I don't think that it merited the looks of disdain that I earned. Then again, maybe it was the knitting and walking at the same time.
Oh well. I think that I'm going to relish my future status as *that* mom.
9 comments:
Embrace it my love...you rock at it.
You do not need those bitches anyway, and I certainly do not want you measuring yourself against them.
They will come up lacking anyway.
Simple fact is: You are one amazing woman. You've been places and done things most of us only dream of. You have more life experience than most and you have approached the Mothering Adventure in your unique way...which is good, why would you want to be a Stepford clone? Why would anyone? Your kids certainly wouldn't want you to be anyone but your 100% authentic self.
And you know what? Those of us who love Debbie for being Debbie wouldn't want you any other way either.
Fuck those bitches. Who needs 'em? All you've done is saved yourself a lot of drama.
(((hugs)))
Awww, bluey.
Those women sound like total hags.
I hear what you are saying tho. Even though I work, when I'm stuck getting together with other moms for playdates, it's pretty clear I don't fit in with them at all - I game, I own guns, I watch Buffy, I write smut. I wear sequined Converse All-Stars. (sometimes)
The conversations can turn awkward pretty quickly.
Eh, fuck'em. Wild horses couldn't drag me to a PTA meeting.
Ever.
Chickie, I love you just the way you are - don't you ever try to fit in with that crowd.
If I didn't know you and the Mogrunt was in the Munchkin's class, you would be the mom that I would want to meet. Honest. Your outfit sounds fine to me.
Screw those morons. They're all so uptight that they're taking laxatives just to get the bullshit out of their mouths.
I went away to university and then moved back to my tiny hometown - wearing dark clothes and no makeup except for super dark lipstick, Doc Martens with dresses, etc. For a while, I was the one that everyone stared at and talked about. Right now, I can't afford to dress the way I really want to - But trust me, when I can I'll be dropping the Mogrunt off at the school here and getting the stares.
Can I come with you to drop off the kids some time? I'll pretend to be your partner.
I think you are a fine, fine, foxy fox. Mwah to you and your awesomeness.
I know exactly what you mean. I grew up in a house full of men, I hung with the guys in high school, and I studied computers (the few women I encountered there, for the most part, were as socially awkward as me) at university. The hardest part of this stay at home gig is trying to figure out how to socialize with women.
I've never followed fashion trends, I just don't get a lot of the things that interest most women. I never made friends with the other parents when Jenna was in school.
I'm shy, quiet, and I've got a hearing impairment that causes most people to think I'm stuck up, since it looks like I'm ignoring them when I really I don't know that I'm being spoken to. I have no idea how loud I'm supposed to speak, so either no one hears me, or I'm way too loud.
Anyway, the point it, I get what you're saying.
I get it too. I don't do well at innane chatter, it bores the bejesus out of me. I'm getting better at faking it though. I've never been what you'd call a fashion maven, much to the disappointment of my mother. I think I've worn the same 'uniform' since I was in ninth grade. I've always felt a little 'off' in the wider world. I'm okay with it now. And I'll always prefer beer and billiards over shopping.
The stay at home gig is a fine balance, so I'm learning.
Haha.. let me get my tan on this summer and we'll go look asian together. Better yet, I'll bring my brother (who looks vaguely middle eastern).
Isn't it funny how sometimes you feel like, "thank god high school is over" and then you wake up one day and realize that you're still not wearing the right clothes or saying the right things?
Keep your outsized personality - those of us who are quieter need people like you to fill the spaces we're too timid to fill.
Don't you dare try to fit in with them! Because then we wouldn't have the you that you already are, the one that we love so much. No way! It's their loss. Just say no to conformity and evil mothers. I wish I could stay home and hang out with you. Although, actually, if I was staying home, my children might not have survived to be the age that they are! Oh, and the unemployed House Man doesn't really help either, I guess.
But seriously, that sucks, I didn't realise you were having such a bad time. I'm with Steph in saying that you would be the mother I would be trying to meet outside the school. Take her up on her offer to go to drop Mr. Munchkin off with you.
And without your outsized personality, we'd never have found seats in Starbucks or Uncommon Grounds!
Oh, and I think you're one damn fine svelte nymph.
There, I'm done. You rock, and that's just about all their is to it.
PS The Boy is signing up for karate. Is Mr. Munchkin going to continue?
Hey Deb,
I hope you went all Scarborough on their asses and gave them a stare-down like nobody's business. Remember your roots, girl!
Seriously though, a lot of what you wrote resonated strongly with me. You are my kindred spirit/soul sista in so many respects. They are hating on you, plain and simple. You rock. They suck.
Hugs & love,
Kim
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